This Christmas

Three years and a half years ago I started this blog.  Two and half years ago this blog fell silent.  Silent to trying to do the next big thing, keep up with others and falling to the wayside of life.  I have written other blogs, with specific time frames, purposes and goals.  But tonight, I just want to write.  I want to share life.  Messy, real, joyful, tearful, life.  I spent a lot of time deciding whether I was going to start a new blog or breathe life back into this blog and decided to return to my blogging roots.  To write about our family.  Who we are and who we are becoming.

It is the week before Christmas, a Christmas far different from all the others I can remember.  A Christmas I am struggling to be excited about.  A Christmas marred by death, sadness and darkness that at times feels as if it will be consuming.  A Christmas celebrated with loved ones and marked by those who are no longer with us.  A Christmas where my empty arms ache to hold the babies that left this world far too soon.  A Christmas that changed dramatically last Friday.

I thought that this Christmas would be a time of joy, celebration, hope and life.  We would be announcing the upcoming arrival of a new little one in our family.  After months of tears, prayers, pain, healing, and hope we were blessed to be expecting another child.  We thought everything was going well.  Until Friday.  My world was thrown upside down on Friday.  What started as a normal day ended in us walking a path that we never wanted to walk again.  A path that was all too familiar.  Our ultrasound on Friday showed a little one that was far too small and had no heart beat.  A little one that without a miracle we will never get to hold this side of heaven.  It feels like dejavu.  So now we stand in the world in between.  We stand waiting for the official diagnosis.  We stand trying to have hope, daring to hope for a miracle, but broken, numb, shattered, crushed, and angry.  But we stand on hope, we stand on the peace of Christ even when it feels very distance, we cling to each other, to family, to friends, to knowing that we will get through this.  We will never get over this or past this, but we will get through it.  With scars, with healing, knowledge, wisdom and growth we will come out the other side but oh what a long journey it will be.

We will need you.  We will need you to walk beside us.  We will need it to be okay if we aren't excited this Christmas.  We need to know that you will be here, even when we are broken,  ugly and messy, even when we aren't who we want to be, you will not walk away.  Please be with us in this season.  We are blessed to have friends and family who care and carry each other when we can't walk alone.   Thank you.